


the moon in the sky and the stars twinkling all around

by Miaou Jones (miaoujones)



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Reality, Friendship, Hope, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-24
Updated: 2013-08-24
Packaged: 2017-12-24 11:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/939610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miaoujones/pseuds/Miaou%20Jones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto keeps pushing friendship on Rin; one night, Rin snaps and pushes back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the moon in the sky and the stars twinkling all around

**Author's Note:**

> I've labeled this "Alternate Reality" because I find the prompt so contrary to the ethos of Free!, I can't conceive of any way this could happen in the canon timeline.   
>  Ironically (or perhaps appropriately), I did this fill out of compulsion rather than desire: I love both these characters so much and was very anxious about what someone else might do with the prompt, so I felt the need to get there first and fill it as compassionately (and non-graphically) as I could. I don't know to what extent and in what ways I've failed or succeeded, but this is what I came up with. orz

There's a knock on the door, which Rin chooses to ignore. The rest of the Samezuka swim team is out celebrating the conclusion of a victorious tournament and there isn't anyone else Rin would want to see right now; hell, he doesn't even really want to see his teammates, which is why he blew them off and is enjoying the peace and quiet of his own dorm room.

Rin also ignores the second knock. But he can't ignore the voice that says, "Rin? Are you here?"

Fucking Tachibana Makoto. Never knows when to leave well enough alone. He's probably here to ream Rin out for what he said to Haru after the 100m freestyle heat the other day—but no, this is Makoto. So he's probably here to get reassurance that Rin didn't really mean what he said, that of course he still wants to swim with Haru. Because Makoto can't conceive of a world where there's someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about swimming with Haru.

At the third knock, Rin's aggravation spikes. He really just wants to be left the fuck alone right now. But if he doesn't let Makoto in, he'll just call and text, and that's not any better. So he rolls himself off the bed and goes to the door. Already a step away, Makoto turns at the sound of it opening. He smiles and opens his mouth like he's going to say something banal and pleasant, like "hello," and Rin would really rather not, so he speaks first: "Well, come in, then." He turns away, hears Makoto follow him in and shut the door.

When he turns around, Makoto is looking down. Rin follows his eye line to the beer bottle he'd forgotten he's still holding. "What do you want?" he says sharply, before Makoto can say anything about the drinking.

There's a flicker in Makoto's eyes as he looks up. Good. Rin wants him to hesitate. Wants him to hesitate so much he stops coming around, stops calling, stops texting, stops telling Rin things and asking him questions. They're getting to that point, maybe, but they aren't there yet, because now Makoto says, "Haru told me what you said after the race."

"And you're here to, what—" Lip curled in a sneer, Rin means to say, _get me to swim against him again_ , only it comes out, "find a way to make him happy?" 

He regrets the words immediately but can't take them back. They're out there now so, fine, let them be out there. In fact, have some more: "He hung the fucking moon in the sky and you have to make sure the stars are all twinkling around him, is that it?" 

Makoto doesn't say anything. He stands there looking at Rin with his big dumb starry eyes. Rin narrows his eyes and keeps staring back. At least Makoto isn't smiling so Rin doesn't have to shark-grin at him.

Then it's somehow worse that Makoto isn't smiling. That the kid who has a smile for every fucking occasion can't smile at Rin. Not because Makoto doesn't think Rin is worthy of a smile; he's given Rin enough of them for Rin to know otherwise. No, he's not smiling now because he's _serious_. He's very fucking serious about something and it has to do with Rin. Makoto's serious face is giving Rin heart palpitations, probably making his blood pressure go up. This is no good at all and Rin starts to open his mouth to tell Makoto to get the fuck out—

But it's too late, because Makoto opens his mouth first: "Are you all right?"

Is he all right? Is he _all right?_ Rin hasn't fucking been all right for years, not since he was a little kid; he barely remembers a time when he was all right. His hand shoots out and he thinks he's going to slap that serious expression right off Makoto's face, maybe slap the _concern_ out of his mouth, but instead he feels his fingers close around Makoto's throat. 

Makoto's hand comes up to touch his wrist and he says Rin's name in that soft fucking voice of his, and the fumes of spilled beer waft up as Rin drops the bottle so he can use that hand too as he tries to make Makoto stop, fucking stop, just fucking _stop_. Makoto backs up and Rin goes right with him, and they only stop when Makoto backs up into the door. He's still saying Rin's name and Rin pulls him off the door, slams him against it, but the only thing that gets shaken loose is Rin's name, falling from Makoto's open mouth. 

And then there are more words: Makoto trying to tell him it's okay but it's _not_ , it's not fucking okay at all; what the fuck about any of this is okay? But Makoto just keeps saying it, "Rin" and "it's okay," and Rin can't take it, he can't fucking take it, and if Makoto won't shut his fucking mouth then Rin will do it for him. He pushes Makoto down against the wall until he's sitting on the floor, plants a foot between Makoto's bent legs and presses a knee to his chest, trapping Makoto as he fumbles with his own fly. He's not hard but when Makoto says, "What—?", Rin grabs a fistful of his hair and jerks his head back as he forces his soft cock into Makoto's mouth.

He keeps his fingers tight in Makoto's hair, his other hand ready to pinch Makoto's nose, to cut off his air so he has to open his mouth if he tries to bite down. It's a gag, to shut Makoto the fuck up. It's just supposed to be a gag...but it's so warm in Makoto's mouth, so warm and wet and Rin's cock responds, losing all its softness. Makoto is looking up at him and his eyes widen as he feels Rin getting hard in his mouth, and Rin does not want those starry fucking eyes looking at him so he shoves in deeper, snaps Makoto's head back, _bang_ , into the door. He feels vibrations on his cock from Makoto's wet, warm tongue and he knows Makoto is trying to say something and he _does not want to hear it_ because _it is not okay_ and he is _not fucking all right_.

The stimulation of the vibrations have him even harder now, though. He pulls out, tightens his grip in Makoto's hair, jerks his head back, and Makoto is looking at him again and Rin can't have that. He drags Makoto away from the door, straddles him, hooks his fingers in the hem of his shirt and pulls it up, the neckline going up past Makoto's mouth, covering his nose and eyes, twisted around to trap his arms. Makoto tries saying his name and Rin doesn't have time to reach for anything, he just uses his hand: he presses his palm to Makoto's mouth but he can still hear his name on Makoto's tongue so he reaches in, shoves three fingers in to make Makoto stop saying his fucking name. 

Makoto still won't stop though, so maybe he needs another hole gagged. Rin pulls his fingers out, slides back to sit on Makoto's thighs as he undoes his trousers, reaching up to push Makoto down by the face when he tries to sit up. When his head hits the floor, Makoto goes quiet and still, but Rin can tell by his breathing that he's still conscious. 

Rin gets him stripped from the waist down and kneels between his legs again, cock in hand, going soft again now that he's not in Makoto's mouth.

"Are you pretending—do you want me to be Haru?" Rin's gaze flicks up as Makoto visibly swallows, then moistens his lips. "I could do that for you," Makoto says. "It doesn't have to be like this..." 

His voice is as soft and dumb as his fucking eyes and his fucking smile, and he even tries to smile now, and Rin flips him over onto his stomach, shoves the fingers still wet with Makoto's saliva into his hole—and he hasn't shut Makoto up completely, he's still making sounds, but at least the words have stopped. He pulls his fingers out, wraps them around his cock—soft and going softer when he tries to push it in. He sits back and his hand brushes against something smooth and cool: one of the glass beer bottles he's emptied tonight. He doesn't know if it's the one he dropped when Makoto came in but maybe he'll pretend it is. He lets go of his cock and wraps his fingers around the bottle, touches the mouth to Makoto's hole, spreads him open one-handed as he worms it in. Makoto isn't talking anymore but he's still making sounds and Rin slides the neck of the bottle in deeper, twisting as he goes, trying to stop all of Makoto's sounds, trying to make him stop fucking crying.

A salty dampness touches his mouth, and Rin realizes he's the one who's crying.

He sits back. Slides himself back from between Makoto's legs. 

It takes a moment for Makoto to get himself turned over, to untangle himself from the shirt and pull it back down. He doesn't get up and run out, though. He sits there looking at Rin. Rin can't look back. He can't look at those stupid fucking eyes looking at him. He hears the inhale, the tell-tale depth that means Makoto is about to speak, and he gets there first: "If you ask if I'm all right," he says, low, careful, dead serious, "I will break your fucking jaw."

Looking down is not enough so Rin closes his eyes. He hears rustling as Makoto gets to his feet, puts his trousers on. There are no words but there are footsteps, retreating; the door opens, shuts again, and he's alone. 

Rin stops trying to hold himself in, crumpling to the floor and weeping like he hasn't since he was a little kid.

 

It's a couple of days before Rin brings himself to knock on Haru's door. When the door opens, he says, "Hit me."

Haru stands there looking at him.

Then he says, "Come in."

Figuring Haru just needs the space for a good, solid swing that the doorway doesn't allow, Rin steps inside. "Hit me as hard as you can."

Haru just looks at him. In case he needs more of an invitation, Rin clasps his hands in the small of his back.

"Is this about what you said to me after our race?"

"What?" Brow furrowing, Rin tilts his head. "No, it's—it's about Makoto."

Haru doesn't say anything but Rin can't tell from his expression what he does and doesn't know. 

"What did you do to Mako?"

The furrow deepens and Rin jerks as he turns to Nagisa, who has popped up out of nowhere. Feeling himself start to color, Rin says, "Never mind that." He sets his jaw and looks back to Haru. "Just hit me already."

"I'm not going to hit you," Haru says and Rin thinks he must not know, after all; how could he, if that's his response?

Then someone says, "I'll do it," and Rin looks around to see the new guy, whose name he doesn't know, coming towards him. He guesses it doesn't really matter who does it, as long as someone does.

"Rei, you can't!" Nagisa says. "You don't even know what—"

"I don't have to know," Rei cuts him off, gaze boring into Rin. "He did something to Makoto, something that he thinks is deserving of being hit, and I'm willing to take him at his word." 

In other circumstances, Rin might smile at that. He doesn't feel like smiling now, although this right now is the best he's felt in days.

Rei adjusts his glasses and gives Rin an assessing look. His lips move as he mutters something under his breath, then he closes his hand into a fist and pulls back. Good form and well-defined muscles; he looks like he knows what he's doing and has the power to back it up. Good. Rin fights not close his eyes, hopes he won't flinch. The fist shoots towards him—

And never makes it: Makoto is there, his hand around Rei's wrist. "It's going to be all right," he says, looking at Rei. He lets go, turns to look at Rin and now Rin really does want to flinch but he makes himself look back, allowing himself to blink at least. "It's not all right now," Makoto says softly, blinking too, "but it's going to be."

He goes by Rin, pauses in the doorway but doesn't look back, and Rin follows him outside. They sit at the top of the steps leading down past the temple, down to the street, down to the ocean beyond. 

Makoto doesn't say anything. Rin doesn't either. 

Then he says, "Will you hit me?" He means to turn and look at Makoto but he doesn't. "I should have come to you first..."

Makoto still doesn't say anything.

He doesn't say anything for a while. 

Then, just when Rin is giving up on hearing any words from him, Makoto says, "If you want to make it up to me, go talk to someone. Professionally." Now Rin does turn to him, keeps looking even though Makoto isn't looking back. "I'm not going to ask anymore if you're all right because I know you're not." Makoto looks from the middle distance he's been gazing into, down at his hands. His voice drops lower as he adds, "Neither am I."

He takes a deep, shaky breath. Rin feels like Makoto's inhale is drawing the air out of his lungs, crushing him inside like the weight of deep sea pressure. It's not that he thought Makoto was all right after what happened, not that he thought Makoto could be—but Rin _wanted_ him to be. Not to take away any of his guilt but because it's not fair to Makoto; he shouldn't have to be messed up just because Rin is.

"There's something wrong—" Makoto chokes a little on the last word, stops and takes another breath. "I know there's something wrong with me because I was willing, up to a point—up until the bottle—" He breaks off again, teeth digging into his lip, shoulders hunching.

Rin feels like he should say something but he has no idea what, and most of his breath has congealed, thick and hard, at the base of his throat, so he doesn't think he'd be able to get words out even if there were ones for this and he knew what they were.

Makoto runs his fingers through his hair as he straightens up. "If you had only asked, or listened to me and let me offer, I would have. Whatever you wanted. To make it okay. I just want everyone to be okay; I want you to be okay, Rin." He swallows. "I know there's nothing I can do to make things all right for you, but I would have tried anything..."

 _Makoto..._ Rin doesn't know what he's feeling right now; what either of them are. He glances over, his gaze shying away from Makoto before it can really touch him. 

"So yeah, I got the name of someone from one of my teachers, and I have my first appointment next week. I'll give you his name, if you want. You don't have to go to him—but maybe you can find someone..."

Rin nods.

They stop talking but they keep sitting there. Rin doesn't know why Makoto is still here but he doesn't want to get up himself because he's afraid this is the last conversation they'll ever have.

"That was my first time, you know," Makoto says then. "I've never even kissed anyone."

Rin looks at him. Makoto is gazing out at the ocean. Rin wants to cry. "No, that—that doesn't count, Makoto. Your first time is still to come." 

Makoto shrugs. Rin puts his head in his hands, tightens his fingers in his hair.

They sit awhile longer. Rin wonders if they might sit there all night but then Nagisa calls to them; he must be in Haru's doorway but he sounds farther away. Rin doesn't turn but Makoto does, waving and calling back that he'll be right there. He gets to his feet and Rin does too. He extends his hand; Makoto doesn't shake it. "You don't have to," Rin says, looking at the hand he's still holding out. "I understand."

"No," Makoto says, and Rin looks up at him, into the softness of his gaze. "You really, really don't." He takes Rin's hand, not a handshake, not exactly holding hands. "And maybe I don't either." He sighs, his eyes closing briefly before he looks at Rin again. "But I've never wanted to lose you, Rin. And I still don't. So go talk to someone, okay?"

Rin nods. Then, spontaneously, he says, "Go kiss Haru." 

He's expecting Makoto to blush and grin, and he's prepared to grin back, but Makoto tilts his head and looks off. "It won't be Haru who hangs the moon," he says. "But it could have been you."

The air sucks out of Rin, like he just got hit in the gut the way he's been wanting someone to do, only deeper inside. He knows it's true; he saw it in Makoto's eyes as he turned away and, if he can admit it, part of him knew even before that; part of him has known and hoped ever since they were kids... "Are you telling me this now to hurt me?"

"Maybe a little," Makoto says, his mouth doing something on one side that isn't quite a smile but isn't anything else.

Rin feels his mouth do the same thing.

Makoto is still holding onto his hand, though. That moon-hanging chance is gone forever now but Makoto hasn't given up on him yet. So Rin can't give up on himself either.

This time it's Rei who calls out to Makoto. Makoto waves again, then says to Rin, "I guess I should be going."

Their hands slip apart and Rin starts down the stone stairs. After a couple of steps, he pauses and turns to look back up. "Makoto?" 

Silhouetted against the late afternoon sun, Makoto's expression is impossible to read.

Rin opens his mouth but doesn't say anything. He doesn't know how to ask this, doesn't know if he even has the right.

Makoto shifts so the sunlight illuminates him. The curve of his mouth has a seriousness now that makes Rin's pulse quicken with hope. "It will be, Rin. Maybe we're not all right now—but I have to believe that someday we will be."

As he looks at Makoto's smile and listens to his words, Rin has to believe too.

**Author's Note:**

> Things get better for Makoto (and Rin, although he's not the focus) in [hang the moon, high and bright and full](http://archiveofourown.org/works/949502).


End file.
